I'm tired of being what you want me to be
by Evelynee
Summary: Draco is standing on the very edge of the cliff called life. But before he plunges into the abyss, he wants to tell the love of his life the truth. HarryDraco.


Oh, my first story on Yay

The characters do not belong to me, they belong to J.K Rowling

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"I have touched the fire a thousand times, and yet it can never burn me." He thought, looking at the empty fireplace. It was hot in the room, though no fire flamed in the hearth. But he was cold. His body shivered as he lay down on the bed. 

He was now 16 years old, that blond Head boy of Slytherin. Draco Malfoy, whose father was placed in Azkaban for being a DeathEater, and whose mother had practically given him to Snape. Because of love, he thought. No, he hoped. As she was one of the LeStranges, he doubted. And still, you could never know. And yet, it ached his heart to think about it. It seemed that everything was aching his heart these days.

So, it was this boy. This dark-haired, always-fighting-on-the-good-side, scar headed, famous boy. This Harry Potter. He was a Gryffindor boy, Slytherin's worst enemy. And he was incredible good-looking and he had a great body too. Or at least Malfoy thought so.

At first he had lay a lot of time just trying to pretend to himself that he was just lying inside, making it all worse. But he had known all the time, and after a while he had to admit it. He was in love with Harry Potter. His nemesis, his sworn enemy. He could not figure out how this had come to be the current situation. The only thing he knew was that he had been torn apart when he realised. And every day the stitches itched and cracked and the infection in his heart could never heal.

He needed him, he was so close and so far away you could ever be. As the soft breezes of sorrow touched Draco's pale skin, he gazed upon the sky. He closed his eyes, and heard the voice of a distant star. In the world of the wizards, it was unusual to be a Parseltounge, but Starsingers only appeared a few times each generation. And one of them was Draco. He could hear the voices of the stars in the glimmering night, filling him with stories and songs long forgotten. If you ask a Starsinger how a voice of the stars sounds, they often say: "It's like the howl of the wolf, the sound of the rain, gentle breezes through your hair and the silent whispers you only can hear as you stare into the void."

And so Draco listened to them once again. He let the heartbeats of the universe fill him, as he was trying to forget, trying to disappear. If he could only fly away, if he could only feel the joy of being alive. But he never does, and the snow in his heart never melts into summer.

"Just give me something that I can feel." He said into empty air, directed to no one, and yet to the world. If he could only make him understand, if he could only tell him how he felt.

He had been lingering too long. Lingering in this world of lies and deceit. Holding on to the ever fading dream of being loved. And as he realised that, he did something which he had never done before. He sang to the stars. He used the voice given to him as a gift from the night. Sparkling flakes of grief and gentle strains of betrayal constituted as the base of the tune, and for the rest Draco poured the silence of a thousand broken hearts into the song.

The starlike voices of the Starsingers which they use when they are reaching out to the universe can be heard by ordinary muggles and wizards. Few people ever get the chance to hear them though, but the ones that do can never forget it. It is said to be the most beautiful sound in the world, and that is true. The legends of the Starsingers and their voices are old, but they all contain the same mesmerized obsession. They say that when you hear the fair voice of a Starsinger, you feel an immeasurable longing to distant skies and everlasting depths. The feeling of floating like cold metal in the midnight air lies deep within the mind, and never again can the world be as beautiful as when the Starsingers sings the forgotten names of the stars in a moment of infinite space.

And so Draco sang his song to the everlasting nocturnal sky, digging out everything that ate him every day. The way his father didn't care about him, the lack of friends and people he could trust, and the longing for Potter, his love that did not know a thing. He had to tell him. If he was going to end the miserable being of himself, he had to finish this. Tonight.

He rose from his bed and went silently up the stairs from the cellar in which the Slytherins lived. He knew that Harry could never stop himself from sneaking around the corridors at night, especially as it was strictly forbidden. And suddenly Draco remembered something. Harry had that fucking genial Marauders Map. He would spot Draco in a second. And Draco could not hide from it, so he just had to hope that Harry would not flee from him.

As he reached the corridors of the Upper Castle, where he presumed Harry to be, he could hear the significant call of the stars again. They were really calling for him now, calling him to the coldest of the skies which they called 'home'. He knew that the stars were always wise but merciless, being the infants of the dust emerging from the beginning of time.

Then he heard a low swishing sound passing just next to him. He immediately realised what had made the sound, and grabbed it by the arm.

"Malfoy, you scum, let go of my arm"

The voice was oh so familiar, and Draco could feel how his body was about to obey it, giving in to the hopeless wishes of the last of the exiles. But he did not let go of Harry's arm.

"Malfoy, I said let go."

He could hear that the voice was getting angry, and would soon curse him. He had to make his move now or loose this moment forever.

"I'll let go if you promise not to run away from me."

"Why would I stay here with you?"

"Just promise me." Draco knew that because Harry belonged to Gryffindor, he had to keep his promises, who ever it may be promised to.

"Okay, I promise. But I won't stay long; I do not trust you Malfoy. Not a bit."

He slowly began to let Harry loose, just checking his reactions. As he did not seem to try to flee, he let him go completely.

"It's now or never" he thought.

"Some need killing, some need air, some need love, some need death, some need lies, some need betrayal and some need fear. Everybody needs a little something and lord, I need it all. But most of all I need you, Potter."

"Excuse me?" Potter glanced at him like he had gone insane. And maybe he had. He, Draco, had gone insane because of all the ice in him and because of the never ending sorrow buried deep within his secret heart, beating its beats in the rhythm of the damned. But he didn't care. All he cared about for the moment was Harry. He had to know. And tonight would change their life, for the good or the bad.

"Malfoy, are you trying to lure me into something?" Harry looked at him with irritated eyes, looking at the boy he despised so much. Draco thought for a second.

"No."

"Then what do you need me for?"

Now it was do or die.

"I need you because I love you." Draco answered, looking him straight in the eye with his icy blue eyes, eyes like the ocean after the storm.

"Malfoy, what the…" Harry did not manage to say anymore, because Draco was now grabbing his arm, pulling him close and kissed him. Just a light kiss on the mouth, but that was enough to awaken Draco's senses. Harry pushed him away hard and took a few steps backwards.

"What just happened? Are you fucking mad? What the fuck is your problem?"

"I want you Harry. I have wanted you for a long time now, and it scares me every day. I can try to lie, I can try to pretend, but it's slowly killing me inside. I need you Potter, I need you in my life, and I do not care what everybody would say."

Harry looked at him closely, examining every reaction of his skin and every strand of his hair. Was this blond boy in love with him for real? What was happening to them?

Draco moved closer to Harry, who first stepped backwards, but then stopped and waited for Draco to get closer. Draco hesitated for a second, but then he remembered. Now or never. He embraced Harry and kissed him again. And this time, Harry did nothing to stop this from happening. Instead, he opened his mouth and let Draco's tongue in, giving him a deep moan in response.

And so, Draco took his tongue out of Harry's mouth and hugged him hard, putting his head on Harry's shoulder and whispered into his ear:

"Do you know what you taste like?"

"Like your greatest ever known enemy?"

"No" Draco said "You taste like the stars." He could feel the tears emerging from his very secret heart, wanting to scare already known tracks on his cheeks. He kissed Harry's earlobes quietly, just wanting to keep this moment forever, just wanting this second to freeze in time. Harry did not pull Draco away. In fact, he held him tight, just smelling his beautiful, soft, blonde hair.

"The stars do shine even on misty nights." Draco whispered so silent it was barely audible, as the vibrations in the thin air reached him from the window.

Harry would never learn that he had saved Draco's life that night, giving him his heartbeats back. Draco would never tell him, never let him know that he had drawn him away from the coldest of ice.

As Draco pulled Harry's sweater of, he gasped at the sight of the dark-haired boy's well-defined chest. "The quidditch training has certainly done you good, Potter" he thought, stroking Harry's body. Harry moaned and took Draco's shirt of.

Harry caressed Draco's pale chest, finding every rib and gently touching his softer parts. Draco sighed when Harry kissed him gently on the neck, just barely touching.

And the fire flamed inside him, burning him away.

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Well, what did you think? Review and tell me :) 


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